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Specialty tag(s): Divorce, High-Conflict Divorce

How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist

Thomas A. Greenwald | December 13, 2024

Co-parenting is rarely easy, but co-parenting with a narcissist brings unique struggles, challenges, and difficulties that can often feel impossible to overcome. Understanding these issues and learning how to co-parent with a narcissistic parent is essential for your mental health and, most importantly, the well-being of your children.

Why Is it Challenging to Co-Parent with a Narcissist?

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be a frustrating, exhausting, and emotionally draining experience because narcissists lack empathy and crave control, which can lead to them manipulating situations to serve their own desires. They may lie or gaslight you into believing that you are the one in the wrong when that isn’t the case. Separating from a narcissist often leads to a high-conflict divorce, and once the divorce is settled, it can be difficult to create a healthy and cooperative relationship with your co-parent.

Narcissist Co-Parenting and its Impact on Children

It’s unfortunately common for children to become caught in the middle of conflicts when you’re co-parenting with a narcissistic parent. Because of their other parent’s emotional manipulation, inconsistency, and lack of empathy, children can easily become confused or distraught. While it may not be easy dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, it is important that you do your best to create a nurturing and supportive environment for your children that allows them to express their feelings in a healthy way.

Signs You Are Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

The first thing you need to understand is how to spot the signs you are co-parenting with a narcissist – how a narcissist behaves during a divorce and the subsequent co-parenting situations. Narcissists display a few key behaviors that can help you know whether or not you’re co-parenting with a narcissistic parent:

• Lack of Empathy: A lack of empathy is a telltale sign that someone is a narcissist. Narcissists have a difficult time putting themselves in other people’s shoes or seeing a situation from a perspective other than their own. This limited point of view can make it hard for narcissists to prioritize their children’s emotions or needs over their own.
• Manipulation and Control: In a narcissist co-parenting situation, the narcissist will attempt to control every aspect of the parenting relationship by manipulating your feelings. Even if it’s detrimental to your child’s well-being, a narcissist will do this to achieve their own ends.
• Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a common tactic for narcissists. This form of manipulation involves making you question your reality or your memory of events through lying.
• Blaming Others: If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, you may notice that they never believe anything to be their fault. Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions, instead blaming others, including you and your children.

If your co-parent has exhibited one or more of these behaviors, you’re likely co-parenting with a narcissist and will need to use specific strategies to protect your mental health and provide a stable environment for your children when you’re divorcing a narcissist.

How Do I Co-Parent with a Narcissist Effectively?

Recognizing the signs is only the first step in knowing how to deal with a narcissist co-parent. You also need to know what strategies and tactics you can use to create a safe environment for your children.

1. Set and Hold Firm Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is essential when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. Narcissists will attempt to control every aspect of your co-parenting relationship, so you need to set boundaries for both your communication and parenting responsibilities. Doing so can help minimize their ability to manipulate you. Narcissists often have an incredible amount of energy and they will be relentless in their effort to control a situation. Therefore, it is not only important to set firm boundaries. It is also important to anticipate the battle that will ensue after the boundary is set. Be prepared to set reasonable and firm boundaries and be prepared to defend and hold those boundaries.
2. Communicate Through Written Channels: Keep all communications in writing whenever possible, such as through texts or email. This approach will allow you to keep a record of most, if not all, of your communications, which can help you hold them accountable for their actions.
3. Focus on Your Children: Your number one priority is your children’s well-being. Don’t let your co-parent’s narcissistic tendencies distract you from providing your children with emotional support and consistency.
4. Avoid Reacting to Provocation: Narcissists will often provoke arguments to get a reaction. In these moments, it is important to remain calm and stick to the facts so that you can avoid any unnecessary conflicts. If the provocation continues, have an exit plan that allows you to disengage and remove yourself and your children from the situation.
5. Maintain Your Emotional Health: When you are learning how to co-parent with a narcissist, it’s essential that you maintain a firm grasp on your emotions. The stress of co-parenting with a narcissist can take a toll on anyone, so consider seeking support from therapists, counselors, experienced attorneys, or support groups.
6. Use the Court System as Necessary: If your co-parent refuses to follow custody agreements or consistently undermines your role as a parent, be prepared to bring the issue to family court. A legal solution may be the best option for dealing with a narcissist co-parent.

Contact a Family Law Attorney for Help Today

If you’re struggling to co-parent with a narcissist, it may be time to consult a family law attorney. Contact us today to learn how we can help you establish a fair custody arrangement that protects you and your family.

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