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Specialty tag(s): Pre-Divorce Guidance, Divorce

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Megan Decadi | September 4, 2024

The decision to end a marriage is always difficult, and explaining how you feel to your spouse may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. While nothing can make this task easy, taking the time to prepare can make telling your husband or wife that you want a divorce less stressful and more compassionate. Once you deliver the news in a firm yet thoughtful way, our attorneys can help you work toward a constructive resolution that positions you for a brighter future.

Steps for Telling Someone You Want a Divorce

1. Prepare

The fact that you want to learn how to tell a spouse you want a divorce means you already know it’s not something you should rush into. Telling someone you want a divorce is complicated, which is why you need to give yourself plenty of time to prepare. Before approaching your spouse, you should:

• Reflect on Your Decision: Before you break the news to your partner, be absolutely certain you want a divorce. Take the time to reflect on your reasons for ending the marriage and consider seeking advice from a therapist or counselor to help clarify your feelings.
• Choose the Right Time and Place: Unless safety is a concern, choose a quiet and private setting away from any distractions. You should also avoid discussing a divorce during high-stress periods or immediately after an argument.
• Plan Your Words: Think carefully about what you want to say. Try to clearly and compassionately communicate your feelings.  Having a “script” for what you plan to say will help you to stay focused on what you want to say and ensure that you feel as confident as you can going into the conversation.
• Consider Your Safety: If your spouse has a history of violent or controlling behavior that gives you reason to fear how they’ll react, plan ahead to keep you and the things you need safe. Make sure that your essential personal documents are in a safe place that your spouse can’t access, figure out where you’ll go and what you’ll do after you deliver the news, and have the conversation in a public place or with others present.

2. Start the Conversation

How do you tell your husband or wife you want a divorce? Carefully and thoughtfully. While there’s no one correct way how to tell your spouse you want to separate, there are a few guidelines you can follow when you finally sit down to break the news to them:

• Pick Your Words Carefully: What you have to say is most likely going to be difficult for your spouse to hear. You can expect them to feel shocked and wounded at the news, even if that isn’t your intention. That’s why you need to choose your words carefully. Try to express your feelings in a way that helps minimize their distress and avoids triggering a strong emotional reaction.
• Use “I” Messages: Using “I” messages helps to avoid making your spouse feel attacked. Instead, it allows you to emphasize your personal feelings instead of blaming them for anything. For example, say “I feel that I need a fresh start” instead of “You never did your share and that’s why I’m leaving.”
• Expect an Emotional Response: Part of learning how to tell a wife or husband you want a divorce is anticipating how they may react. Anger, sadness, and denial are all common responses to divorce. Be prepared to respond calmly and avoid escalating the situation if possible. If you anticipate a strong reaction, consider having the conversation in a public place or with a trusted person nearby.
• Stay Calm and Patient: It’s essential that you do your best to remain calm throughout the conversation and allow your spouse to express their feelings and questions. If you find yourself struggling to stay calm, try taking deep breaths or suggest taking a break and revisiting the topic later.
• Be Ready for Guilt and Blame: No matter how much preparation you do when deciding how to tell your husband or wife you want a divorce, there’s always the chance they will react poorly. You might be called selfish or cruel, among other forms of verbal abuse. Be prepared to respond calmly, and know what you will say in advance. You cannot control how your spouse responds to the conversation, but you can control how you react to their response. Staying calm and refraining from engaging in similar behavior will help to avoid escalating the situation and, ultimately, will allow you to move through the divorce process with your dignity intact.

3. Consider Your Children

If you have kids, let your spouse know that you understand that their relationship with the children is important. Doing so can help keep the situation as amicable as possible. You can then plan together how you will explain the situation to them.

4. Take the Next Steps

Once you’ve figured out how to tell your husband or wife that you want a divorce and you’ve broken the news to them, now what? It’s important to be prepared for the steps you’ll need to take after this conversation.

• Be Ready to Separate: It may be best to physically separate when the conversation is over. Plan ahead for this and make sure that you have a place to go if your spouse refuses to leave or if staying together becomes too difficult. This can help both of you process the decision in your own space.
• Legal Considerations: Once you have told your spouse you want a divorce, it’s time to begin the legal process. If you have not already done so beforehand, you should consult with a divorce lawyer to understand the implications and prepare for the next steps. A lawyer can guide you through the process of filing for divorce, dividing your assets, and making arrangements for the children.

Contact Goranson Bain Ausley for a Consultation

Deciding how to tell your wife or husband the marriage is over is difficult, but approaching the conversation with honesty, compassion, and preparation can help make it more manageable. The key is to communicate clearly and respectfully. Then, get help from the highly respected and compassionate lawyers at Goranson Bain Ausley. Our experienced family law attorneys can provide the support and guidance you need during this challenging time. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and learn more about your options for a smooth and respectful divorce process.

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