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Specialty tag(s): Divorce Coaching, Divorce

Why Your Divorce Coach’s Motivation Matters: The Risk of Hiring Someone Who Entered the Field After a “Bad Divorce”

Eric Robertson | February 13, 2026

By Eric Robertson MS, JD, MAHC | Licensed Professional Counselor Associate | Supervised by Lisa Blackwood MS, MA, LPC-S, LCDC

Divorce is one of the most emotionally charged and life-altering experiences a person can endure. In the midst of legal complexity, financial uncertainty, and personal loss, many people turn to divorce coaches for guidance, structure, and emotional support. A skilled divorce coach can be a stabilizing presence—someone who helps clients stay focused, regulated, and strategic rather than reactive and overwhelmed.

But not all divorce coaches arrive in the field for the same reasons. While personal experience with divorce can bring empathy and understanding, there is an important distinction between having lived through divorce and building a professional practice primarily out of unresolved pain, anger, or a sense of injustice. When a coach enters the profession mainly because they had a “bad divorce” and feel wronged by the court system, their former spouse, or opposing counsel, that origin story can shape how they work with clients—sometimes in ways that are not in the client’s best interest.

The Difference Between Empathy and Projection

Empathy allows a coach to understand what a client is feeling without confusing the client’s story with their own. Projection, on the other hand, happens when a coach unconsciously overlays their personal experience onto the client’s situation.

A coach who still carries unresolved resentment from their own divorce may be more likely to:

1. Interpret neutral or ambiguous actions by a client’s spouse or attorney as hostile or malicious
2. Reinforce a “win versus lose” mindset rather than encouraging thoughtful problem-solving
3. Validate anger in ways that escalate conflict rather than helping the client regulate it

Divorce outcomes are deeply influenced by emotional tone. A coach who consistently frames the process as a battle can unintentionally push clients toward strategies that increase legal costs, prolong litigation, and damage long-term co-parenting relationships.

The Risk of Biased Guidance

A coach shaped primarily by a negative personal experience with the legal system may carry a strong, fixed narrative: “The system is unfair,” “Attorneys can’t be trusted,” or “The only way to protect yourself is to fight.” While there are certainly times when firm legal advocacy is necessary, a one-size-fits-all, adversarial approach can be harmful.

Effective divorce coaching requires nuance. Some situations call for assertiveness; others call for compromise, patience, or creative problem-solving. A coach whose worldview is rooted in their own perceived mistreatment may struggle to help clients evaluate which approach truly serves their goals, values, and long-term well-being.

Training and Professional Boundaries Matter

Divorce coaching is an unregulated field in many jurisdictions. That means there is a wide range in education, supervision, and ethical grounding among practitioners. A coach who entered the profession primarily as a personal response to their own divorce may lack formal training in:

1. Emotional regulation and stress management
2. Communication and conflict de-escalation skills
3. Trauma-informed practice
4. Ethical boundaries and scope of practice

Without this foundation, a coach may drift into roles they are not qualified to fill—such as providing legal advice or functioning as a therapist—potentially putting the client at risk.

When the Coach’s Needs Compete With the Client’s Needs

A subtle but important concern arises when a coach’s professional identity is closely tied to their personal story of being wronged. In those cases, the coaching relationship can become, even unintentionally, a place where the coach seeks validation of their own experience through the client’s case.

This can show up as: (a) a strong emotional reactions to the client’s updates, (b) a tendency to steer the client toward decisions that mirror the coach’s own past choices, and (c) difficulty remaining neutral when discussing the client’s spouse, attorney, or judge

The coaching space should exist to serve the client’s clarity, stability, and long-term interests—not to replay or resolve the coach’s unresolved conflict.

What to Look for Instead

This article is not an argument against hiring a divorce coach who has personally experienced divorce. Lived experience can be a valuable asset when it is paired with reflection, training, and emotional integration. The key question is whether the coach has moved through their experience, rather than remaining anchored in it.

When choosing a divorce coach, consider looking for someone who can describe formal training, certifications, or supervision they have received; demonstrates an understanding of emotional regulation, communication skills, and boundaries; speaks about the legal system and attorneys with balance rather than blanket distrust; and emphasizes your long-term well-being, values, and goals—not just short-term “wins”

A Final Thought

Divorce is not just a legal process; it is a psychological and relational transition that can shape the rest of your life. The person you choose to guide you through it will influence not only your strategy, but also your emotional posture and decision-making along the way.

A divorce coach who has done the work to integrate their own experience—rather than be driven by it—can offer empathy without agenda, guidance without bias, and support without escalation. That difference can be the line between a process that deepens conflict and one that, even in difficulty, preserves dignity, clarity, and the possibility of a healthier next chapter.

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